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Emily Kirkpatrick
Emily Kirkpatrick is a writer for hire currently covering all things Vanities at Vanity Fair.

That’s How the Boomers Win.

As anyone who’s binged TikTok content over the past year and a half can tell you, there seems to be the makings of a subtle civil war brewing between Gen Z and Millennials.

This intergenerational animosity has been spurred on by media coverage declaring various trivial trends once held dear by my generation to be unacceptably lame and passé. And while a certain contingent of millennials definitely took offense to these proclamations, it wasn’t until the introduction of the word “cheugy” that battles lines were really drawn. …


More recommendations nobody asked for.

As a person who’s worked for almost a decade in the fashion and beauty industry, I get a lot of free samples to test out. Like, A LOT. And more often than not, these products hit my doorstep long before they appear on store shelves and never wind up actually getting included in any stories I’m working on. But lately, I’ve stumbled across a handful of things that are too good not to talk about and I realized that a lot of other people might be able to benefit from my experiences as a guinea pig. So, I thought instead…


What being an amateur plant mom taught me about taking care of my own body.

Despite the fact that my parents owned a garden center for a good chunk of my life, my green thumb is decidedly closer to a faint shade of pistachio. But much like every millennial indoctrinated by Instagram aesthetics, my inability to successfully keep a plant alive has not dimmed my desire to fill my apartment from floor to ceiling with leafy green companions. Which is how, after much trial and error, I naturally cultivated a heartier collection of succulents able to withstand my forgetfulness and amateur attempts at propagation.

I’ve by no means been an exemplary plant parent, but while…


We found out about the ban on incoming flights from Europe twenty-four hours after we landed. While acclimating to our new surroundings, a barista at the little cafe on our street broke the news. She explained that three Italian tourists had passed through the city the night before on their way to Trinidad before falling ill. “But not to worry, the climate in Cuba is too hot for the virus to survive,” she assured us. “Impossible.” …


A satire

A marquee reading, “Plaza Cinema: Temporarily closed.”
A marquee reading, “Plaza Cinema: Temporarily closed.”

“I’ve been canceled,” I announce to my Twitter followers the morning after the incident. My mentions light up immediately, the notification counter unable to keep pace with the condolences, likes, and retweets rushing in. While the comments start out as an unadulterated stream of sympathy for the ordeal I’ve just endured, the tone quickly shifts after a couple of hours to queries of next moves, potential Notes app apologies (over my dead body), and where to direct all the rage fermenting in the replies.

I assure my loyal fans — the meager several million I have left — that they…


The law of fashion cyclicality guarantees that sooner or later every generation will be forced to reckon with some of the worst trends from their teenage years suddenly becoming cool again. For many millennials, that time is now and that existential sartorial threat is the return of the low rise jean.

Along with the return of other 90s and early-aughts favorites like flood pants, tiny sunglasses, and chokers, Gen Z has also ushered in the revival of this divisively low-slung trouser. A style that to my 30-something-year-old brain belongs exclusively on the bodies of Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Keira…


My former roommate and I had a running joke that we both suffer from a mysterious ailment best described as “bland palette syndrome.” While some people’s tongues are trained to distinguish the infinite nuances of perfectly-aged wine or single-origin coffee beans, ours can’t seem to differentiate between a 10-course Michelin-star dinner and the rice and beans we had for lunch yesterday. That’s not to say we can’t appreciate the subtle melange of a well-spiced dish or that we’ve never ventured outside of our culinary comfort zones. It’s just that when it comes down to our own daily meal prep, both…


With extreme indulgence shopping comes extreme financial risk

Some people have food, and others turn to Netflix, but my comfort binge of choice has always been online shopping. The thrill of the hunt, that electric frisson of discovery, the flop sweat that appears between “Add to cart” and “Thank you for your purchase!” for fear the item’s been stolen out from under you during that moment’s hesitation, followed by the sweet relief of knowing it’s already on its way.

With the arrival of the pandemic, however, my comfort zone of cyber splurging has lost its luster as a reliable pleasure-seeking activity and become a downright chore. This online…


A funny thing about the 1% jumping to the front of every COVID vaccine line is that they’ve actually been inoculated from the pandemic this whole time thanks to their wealth.

While the rest of us have been sheltering-in-place and keeping our distance from friends and loved ones, those with the means are still going about their lives as usual, hopping aboard their private jets for a vacation overseas, eating out at their favorite Michelin-star restaurants, and throwing lavish parties for 50 or so of their closest pals. …


In January of 2020, after quitting my job in a rather spectacular, public fashion, I began in earnest to pivot my career from full-time corporate blogger to freelance writer extraordinaire with very little experience or practical know-how.

And then, a pandemic hit.

I had already started out the year in an existential freefall, dead sure I wouldn’t be able to make ends meet, was destined to become an industry-wide laughing stock, and would probably never work again. So you’d think the world suddenly screeching to a halt and websites freezing their freelance budgets entirely would have thrown me into a…

Emily Kirkpatrick

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